An Ode to Emily
Geplaatst op 07-01-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
I met Emily online. We had exchanged emails and IMs on Loveawake dating site and she had invited me to call her. I called a couple of times, each time leaving a message and never hearing back. Stuck up bitch, I thought to myself. One day, at least a month and a half after my last phone call to her, I saw her online. I IMed her with a very snide, “hey, thanks for calling me back.” (Side note: this is not how I’d recommend dealing with girls now, but at the time I was young and a bit too quick with my words.)
She apologized, saying she was really busy finishing up her master’s. I continued with my sarcastic and semi-rude comments, but she continued to apologize and invited me to call her right then. I did and she suggested we get together that Saturday, which truly was way more than I probably expected or deserved. When Saturday came around, she cancelled. I told her just to forget it and have a nice life. No, she said, how about Sunday instead? I agreed.
I was still living with my parents and I have no idea what possessed her to meet me there, but she did. I remember the first time I saw her, white form-fitting tank top and jeans, and I thought to myself…wow. We hopped into my car and went down the waterfront for a walk. She was so nervous that she could barely form complete sentences, which I found terribly endearing. Within an hour we were making out and telling each other stories that made us cry. Personal revelations came flowing. We were hooked.
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I honestly never thought it would last. We were very different so I figured four months would be about it. But something happened on the way to four months: we grew on each other. I didn’t realize it at the time, but Emily was slowly becoming the most important thing in my life. We had fun together, but moreso, she really seemed to understand me. She thought that I was the best thing in the world and was completely devoted to me. I had never experienced this level of support from someone other than my family and it was incredibly inspiring.
I grew up a lot in the two years that I was with Emily. I still don’t know why she stuck around initially; I really didn’t treat her anywhere near as well as she treated me. She was well-traveled, social, and always on the go. At the same time, I was pretty much scared of the world, still living with my parents and not sure how to take care of myself. Slowly but surely, she started to peel back the layers, getting me to do things I never thought I could do and guiding me the entire way. She never made me do anything I didn’t want to yet she made me want to do things that I previously believed that I couldn’t. Her love and support made me want to be a better me; I wanted to be the person that deserved to be treated the way that she treated me.
The changes were gradual and deliberate. There was a gentle wardrobe makeover, the introduction of new foods, cooking lessons, trying new things. Before her, I hadn’t been on a plane in ten years, mostly out of fear. She not only got me on a plane, she got me on a six-hour plane trip. The entire time, holding my hand and telling me I could do it. And you know what? I believed her. I believed I could do anything so long as she was there with me.
Eventually, I decided to get my own place. I bought a condo in the next city over from my parents and proceeded to freak out. I was scared of being alone all the time and just being away from my family caused severe waves of crippling panic attacks. Although she said she didn’t want to move in, Emily stayed with me for the first three weeks, making sure I was okay and getting me through the toughest part of that transition.
I grew a lot during my time with Emily and a lot of people, including myself, didn’t see an end in sight. Then things started to change in our relationship. One day, I broke down and cried because I realized that I wasn’t in love with her anymore. Still, I held on out of loyalty and fear. Loyalty for all that she had done for me and fear that I wouldn’t be able to do anything without her. She had been my strength, my rock, on so many occassions. I thought that without her I might revert to who I was before. Yet I knew it wasn’t fair to her. Breaking up with her is, to this day, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think I’ve ever been so heartbroken in my life.
Words alone cannot express the gratitude I have to that girl for how she changed my life. What we had was incredibly special and I can’t emphasize enough how important she was to me. She’s someone that I wish I could still be friends with, but I know it would be too hard for both of us. I also wouldn’t inject myself back into her life because I know that I hurt her very deeply by leaving and it would be selfish of me to reach out to her at this point. She deserves to move on and forget the painful ending that I brought to our relationship.
Now I wander from relationship to relationship looking for the same level of love and support I had with Emily. I haven’t had it since her and, from time to time, I close my eyes and imagine what she’d say to me at that particular moment. I was truly blessed to have her in my life and I give gratitude every day for our time together. I am who I am today primarily because of her and I wish everyone a similar experience with someone wonderful. And if you’ve had that type of person in your life, even for a short time, I hope that feel the same sense of gratitude that I do.